I am Here, I am There

June 21, 2011 § 2 Comments

For years & years I have called the same place, home. You might have noticed a bit of silence on my end of the internet; it was because I was visiting that place. It is simultaneously the same place & something else entirely. There are little changes that happened while I’ve been living somewhere else. Upon my return, they get up to greet me, all the little changes are so obvious when they become present all at once! I think one of these times, I’ll come back to visit & it will be nothing like the way I remember.

Every time I visit my hometown, I think it is too short. This time, I was there for a week, a week is not enough. I did get to do a lot of what I wanted. I saw the family pets, went on long bike rides, and saw my closest friends. But still, it doesn’t seem like I was there long enough to really be back. Every time I am back, I generally am only able to see people one time. It is, Hello I am back, Hello I am gone again. I am here, I am there. I have two homes now, I have no homes now. My heart is with you when I can’t be. My heart is with you a lot these days & I miss you.

It is hard to stay in touch with people when you move away, you have to really want it, or contact has to be really convenient. I am rarely able to visit home which frustrates me because I can’t be there fully, the way I would like. But it has also pushed me to grow, forced me to be somewhere I never planned to be. No one besides my parents has visited me in Los Angeles since I’ve moved down which was nearly ten months ago. To be honest, this does make me a bit sad because it makes it harder to plan a trip home. I feel like I need to find a way to see everyone & I become disappointed when I don’t make that goal. I am best at keeping in touch with people through postal mail which is a shame because most people prefer every other mode of communication. I forget to answer emails & return phone calls constantly.

Upon my return to Los Angeles, I have decided that I need to make more time to keep in contact with the people I miss all the time. I can have two homes if I can be with you while I’m gone. I will be emotionally homeless if I erase every trace of where I once set down roots. I want my departure to be messy, I want to leave stains, I want to leave a trace everywhere I go so that you may follow if you want to & so that I can return when you need me or when I need a change of pace.

Anyway, I am back from my internet & Los Angeles break. Hope to start posting again soon!


§ 2 Responses to I am Here, I am There

  • Ashley Rae says:

    I very much relate to this, especially now that I’m back for the summer, but my memories of how much things had changed is most vivid the first time I came home after being away for four months. Now that I have been home longer, lines are starting to blur, it isn’t so clear cut which place is my home, which friends are my friends. It seems I have two home. One bleeds over into the other. I don’t know if it’ll be possible to maintain the friendships I have in the Central Valley forever, but I certainly want to try. I think it may just be possible to have lifelong friends that will be there whenever you stop by, or when you need them, and I am going to try!

    • Denise says:

      I spend quite a bit of time thinking about what it would be like if I stayed in the central valley for a long time or if I moved back there after graduating. With the exception of winter break, I haven’t been back home for longer than a week since moving down here. It’s really hard to maintain friendships with the distance, sometimes I feel like most people aren’t willing to make the effort. In a lot of ways, my old home seems like it’s becoming less & less relevant, which isn’t really something I want, but it may just be that this is what happens sometimes when you leave.

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